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Trauma Writing and perhaps the beginning of something

I want to write a book for myself or someone like me. I want to write the book that wasn't on the shelves when I desperately searched shelves and drove from store to store trying to find something that would tell me what my life was going to be like if I made one decision or another decision. I want to give you or 20 year old me that book. As I write this now, I realize that it is not only for religious and political reasons that that book was not there for me, but it is also because no one can give you those answers. I can only tell you my story so that you can hopefully make a choice that works best for you.

Maybe it wasn’t the most responsible conception

Tongue intertwined with tongues and tabs of LSD

Sex after a rave where orgasms become visible rainbows and

We’re too high to worry when the condom breaks.

He assumes I will take the morning after pill,

I assume I will take the morning after pill

Birth control had been making me sick and I don’t understand why his condoms keep breaking

I don’t want to take another morning after pill

I think I won’t this time

Everything is going to be fine

I’m puking at a red hot chili peppers concert in Cincinnati, Ohio

My nipples ache and my friend hands me a cream to calm the pain but there is some kind of peppermint in there that burns so so bad.

My body changed what felt like overnight.

I couldn’t think about an abortion

I decided I would have the baby even if it meant doing it alone

I told him I was going to keep the baby

He told me to leave his apartment immediately

We have barely spoken since.

I spent my pregnancy alone for the most part

I slept alone on my couch in my apartment alone

I worked for a while but I worked at the same library as the father of my child and I was tired of watching him parade around his incredibly thin model girlfriend in the library while I felt gigantic… so I quit my job and just stayed home nesting and lying in the dark…crying.

As soon as I had my son people wanted to take him from me.

No one was around when I was pregnant. No one approved. No one liked the name I chose. Suddenly everyone wanted to have my baby

My son’s father’s horrible girlfriend at the time insisted on playing mom and tried to make my son call her mother.

They would cut his hair without asking me. I hated that.

They made him sleep alone and they let him cry. I hated that too.

They took me to court and tried to declare me an unfit mother. They made a cruel book about me titled, the mental and physical illness of Christine Gaffney. A book of mis- construed social media posts and photoshopped images were supposed to show how bad of a mother I am.

It did not work. I won that court case.

I love my son and that was so obvious in so many ways. From the insane murals I painted on his bedroom walls, to the clothes I made him, the organic homemade baby food and the way he cried for me. It was obvious I loved him.

It's a super strange feeling growing a human inside yourself. But I honestly can say that the most love I have ever felt came from inside my own body.

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